the words get harder to match
to the situation
the pulsing in my chest
that comes from the meanders of my mind
harder to understand
harder to explain myself
the further in i get
the more memories pile on top of each other
the more slights i receive and perceive
the sorting gets more difficult
and the neutral audience becomes the holy grail
even when i think i've found it
i'm surprised to find
that i'm really always going to be by myself
in some things
i'm going to be the only one putting me first.
not that there aren't friends out there
it's just that sometimes expectations are all wrong
communication breaks down
your heart gets left behind
"maybe in the future you're gonna come back"
is an empty promise
the you in the future is a new person
and the place you need to come to has moved
you are older, less familiar with the nuances
and i am slightly defeated, weighed down by the waiting
i find this life intoxicating
and i find myself hungover from the insistent push pull let go give in make up
of it all.