Unfinished

this is the first poem i've written in months, so even though it's in need of some revision, i'm putting it out there... because i think writing is meant to be shared.

The magic of

Tall, canyoned streets,

Sunset reflections at the lake front,

Sirens layered on symphonies

Of color and activity,

The sidestreet blues bar where smiley, surly Joe

Called up groups of white, Latino, and Asian musicians

To join the jam – they play

From the belly and light up the eyes of the watching weary,

The el train to DePaul on a Cosby street,

Or my beloved Mexico beckoning through a dark-eyed bartender,

Serving tropical, smoky-sweet and tangy-tongued tastes

To sultry samba sways.

Is it possibility, or triumph?

Full bellied, I clattered down your streets, enamored of

Traffic, of industry, of old bridges facing down steel-windowed facades.

I lusted for you without knowing, and

You sated my desire

Until I could only brim with the buzzing of excitement.

Yes,

I was born here, close by.

I came into the world and quickly walked away,

And in my absence you grew glorious.

Thirty years later you called out to me, and I found you,

Arriving at myself

This perfect blue-sky day.

Unbelieving in my good fortune, our fair match.

These days I am more easily captivated by a place,

Falling in love with cities is the new high,

Now that my ring finger is fixed on one man and sobriety simplifies.

Now I live to discover new homes for my heart

And the world beckons endlessly, the many-metropolised Medusa.

Explore, discover, enjoy, she whispers.

Some cities are certainly sexy.

Mutual attraction, or fated fantasy?

Is it in the forgetting of self

that accompanies adulthood,

making the senses ring when life's nectar drips into view?

Or have I earned this appreciation

through toiling hours and quiet questioning? 

What a world! What a life! I'll take you with me when I go,

Chicago.

Vulnerability, and the Journey

Today I got sucked into a major existential moment. But it feels necessary. I blame the upcoming treinticentennial (yes, I made that up).

First, you HAVE to watch this TED talk. Talk about getting down to brass tacks. And please note that the author must go in to the question with her whole self in order to speak to the human condition with any real knowledge.

Also, I'm in love with a blog. Momastery. She does the real, hard, beautiful thing with panache.

Here's a poem from someone else, to guide your days:
Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann

I began asking myself a few days ago how exactly I know that God is speaking and moving in my life. I'm getting some indirect but inescapable answers. The life moment I am in is particularly vulnerable. And I really want to have the courage to be IN IT and love it and accept it and wrestle with it and above all BELIEVE that I deserve great things. That my story can (continue to) be great. Which is to say, it would appear that I may lose as much as 60% of my work/pay in just 3 weeks, and the chance of me getting clarity immediately is slim.

But this is where my heart is :

to be known was always the goal
and the fear
to really go - out there - with all of it
like standing naked on a highway,
which i have never done.
what is it about this world that turns fearless babies' hearts
to worry
and makes us henceforth crawl our way back
to authenticity?

why were we separated?
the big bang shuddered us eventually into life
of struggle and imbalance
and fear.
why not stay in the sweet oneness
where questions don't lead us into the dark
where we must fight with ourselves
to find a true way
based in creativity and love?

the early peoples understood that these
were the fundamental questions:
who decided we should know both good and evil?
and what in the world can reconcile us
to that sweet whole from whence we came?

my question to the inward and outward skies remains:
is the journey back really the blessing or the curse?
but that is not for me to decide.
(poem by me)

Highlights

This week was, um, yeah. The highlight of my afternoon today was eating my cheese quesadilla, since I recently learned that hard cheeses are lactose-free (since lactose is my new nemesis). I have LITERALLY spent a month saying to myself, dear god, how long until I can have some melted cheese??? That's just not a question you ever want to be asking yourself. And then I got to have some! It WAS as marvelous as I remembered.

The highlight of my day was, up until a minute ago, my lunch with one of my new local buds. I honestly am not sure that since high school have I met as many excellent friend-matches as quickly as I have here. Love this town. Love it! Also, I MUST have lunch with a friend once a week. That's on the list of lessons learned about working from home. For sho. Although... I think that was just as true when I worked at an office.

But the new highlight of my day? Surprise guests. At my birthday. EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So, part of the short sad story of this week was that my brother had offered to host a family party for me and then somehow (I'm afraid to ask) forgot? and scheduled an out of town trip for the same day. So... I felt a little, um, forgotten? But we will push forward nonetheless and it looks like I will be seeing lots of my favorite people the week of my bday. Which is, well, FABULOUS. Fabulous. I can die happy. All thanks to the hubs who realized I wanted someone else to plan my birthday and DID IT. Even though I am looking over his shoulder occasionally to stir the pot, mostly I am out of it. And surprises brew. I love it.

Oh, did you not know? I'm turning 30 in 2.5 weeks. How could you not know? You must be new.

Also, mah friend K turned 31 today. Shout out! It used to be that we pretended we had the same birthday but just switched years... so either we would both be turning ... wait... now it doesn't make any sense to me. Hm. Teenage brain math must differ from adult math. Anyways, she's the bees knees and I hope she knows it!