Vulnerability, and the Journey

Today I got sucked into a major existential moment. But it feels necessary. I blame the upcoming treinticentennial (yes, I made that up).

First, you HAVE to watch this TED talk. Talk about getting down to brass tacks. And please note that the author must go in to the question with her whole self in order to speak to the human condition with any real knowledge.

Also, I'm in love with a blog. Momastery. She does the real, hard, beautiful thing with panache.

Here's a poem from someone else, to guide your days:
Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann

I began asking myself a few days ago how exactly I know that God is speaking and moving in my life. I'm getting some indirect but inescapable answers. The life moment I am in is particularly vulnerable. And I really want to have the courage to be IN IT and love it and accept it and wrestle with it and above all BELIEVE that I deserve great things. That my story can (continue to) be great. Which is to say, it would appear that I may lose as much as 60% of my work/pay in just 3 weeks, and the chance of me getting clarity immediately is slim.

But this is where my heart is :

to be known was always the goal
and the fear
to really go - out there - with all of it
like standing naked on a highway,
which i have never done.
what is it about this world that turns fearless babies' hearts
to worry
and makes us henceforth crawl our way back
to authenticity?

why were we separated?
the big bang shuddered us eventually into life
of struggle and imbalance
and fear.
why not stay in the sweet oneness
where questions don't lead us into the dark
where we must fight with ourselves
to find a true way
based in creativity and love?

the early peoples understood that these
were the fundamental questions:
who decided we should know both good and evil?
and what in the world can reconcile us
to that sweet whole from whence we came?

my question to the inward and outward skies remains:
is the journey back really the blessing or the curse?
but that is not for me to decide.
(poem by me)