David Brooks just made me cry. Not surprising that he did, but how he did, and the type of crying. He often says things that frustrate or depress me. This time it is maybe the opposite.
The key point: Don't try to be everyman. Be yourself. In particular, know where you are from, even. A simple thought. A good thought. Based on Springsteen, somewhat surprisingly (or not, depending on how much you know about Springsteen).
And this is hard for me, because part of who I am is inherently pluralistic, sampling styles. It's a huge part of how I learn what I like and don't like - I take pieces from the people I meet. I merge into their world to see how it feels. I guess what reading David's essay made me realize is this: that can be my way - the eternal explorer, but at the end of the day I still need to know who I am. Where I come from. With my own concrete story.
I currently live in the 13th home of my life. Ooh, that's not a good number. Moving on... Consequently, I have sometimes struggled with the results of the many moves during my life. But actually, I tend to think of my wandering past as a good part of who I am - why I appreciate the friends I have and keep in touch well (ok, better than most at least)... why I enjoy going to new places and don't fear the unknown... why I have a good sense for different parts of the country... and so on. This history is a part of who I am that I value. So the question is, how does that fit into what he's talking about?
Specifically: what is my paracosm? A place where all are welcome, with intuition guiding me, full of heart, proactive,
thoughtful... and I needn't change that. The question most plaguing me is, how do I fully HONOR that? Integrate it.
I've been having competing ideas about my writing recently. Specifically, my poetry. Should I try to publish/sell my poems, or just let them be? Should I compile them all into one place so they don't get lost? (Yes.) The tricky part about publishing is that I don't write poetry the way some people say you are supposed to write. My poems aren't about plants and natural phenomena. Or images, necessarily. But neither were Bukowski's! I recently considered submitting to a local poetry publication, until I learned they only accepted poems if they didn't have "I" statements. So I didn't submit. I think all my poems either have an I statement or are about me.
But last winter I discovered Christian Wiman's poetry, who it turns out is also the editor of Poetry itself.... and his poems were reminiscient of mine - spiritual, emotional, personal. So I had the crazy thought that maybe I should submit something to Poetry magazine. As a gift to myself, honoring the importance of my voice, honoring the gift of my writing.
This past weekend I had the great luck of hearing an exceptional poem read (by the author himself) at a wedding. It stunned me with its personality, its poise, its insights. Afterwards, I told the author so and said that it made me reluctant to say I write poetry, since I am not sure I can achieve such awesomeness. And he emphatically said no, no, don't say that. So I won't. I have to respect the man's advice.
The hard part is loving your own gifts enough to put them into the world without also adding your own judgment. There's a difference between working hard and preparing well, and hiding.
I have some hard questions to face about whether or not I've been hiding my gifts by being a mirror of the gifts I see in others. Recently my gifts have been becoming apparent to me inadvertently, one by one, showing up and saying hi. And for now, I am just trying to take note of them so I don't forget who I am. Where I came from. A home that goes back before the moves ever began, and was with me throughout every step.
What's really crazy is that now I'm all out of free NYT articles for the month. Good thing that's just a few more days.
Showing posts with label who am i. Show all posts
Showing posts with label who am i. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Mesilla Moon
ghosts move under a full moon in mesilla
almost shouting their warnings to a stranger as she enters.
five years passed with fanfare and tribulations
i grew wiser perhaps, more distant from the past for certain;
these streets are so familiar and with predictable changes
chain stores on the corners, the good haunts remain
i am also familiar to myself and with predictable changes
i wear your ring now on my finger
it greets me throughout my day with its specialness
as do you, my frenzied fabler.
i remember four girls linking arms here, linking lives fully, thoughtlessly.
i was naive to think that all deep friendship
would stand the test of time and miles
i feel wiser perhaps, sad to have lost you for certain;
those young girls outlived themselves
into more adult lives of busyness and toil
into more adult separations by difference and wounds
outlived the beauties of perfect conversation and commitment
when the world called out to us, glowing and free.
but also
i was naive to think that the struggles of embarking on a life
would last for long
the alley wanderings, the languid phone calls
i am wiser perhaps, more present to myself for certain;
i am a stranger here and yet not totally gone
i know these streets and these faces
i held this moon before in all of these places
today i walked through time
to find out how five years can pass so swiftly in the night,
leaving you with yourself and the shadowy moon.
i hope that the flimsiness of 23 wears off,
that the things i carry now are with me five years hence
i wish for my life to remain so blessed through circumstance
and while i wish for some of those memories
to return to life
i hope to be wiser still, and willing to return to say hello for certain
to the person i was and have become
to say goodbye to the ghosts another time
to let the watchful moon see me where i crossed before,
sending thoughts to friends who have moved on.
almost shouting their warnings to a stranger as she enters.
five years passed with fanfare and tribulations
i grew wiser perhaps, more distant from the past for certain;
these streets are so familiar and with predictable changes
chain stores on the corners, the good haunts remain
i am also familiar to myself and with predictable changes
i wear your ring now on my finger
it greets me throughout my day with its specialness
as do you, my frenzied fabler.
i remember four girls linking arms here, linking lives fully, thoughtlessly.
i was naive to think that all deep friendship
would stand the test of time and miles
i feel wiser perhaps, sad to have lost you for certain;
those young girls outlived themselves
into more adult lives of busyness and toil
into more adult separations by difference and wounds
outlived the beauties of perfect conversation and commitment
when the world called out to us, glowing and free.
but also
i was naive to think that the struggles of embarking on a life
would last for long
the alley wanderings, the languid phone calls
i am wiser perhaps, more present to myself for certain;
i am a stranger here and yet not totally gone
i know these streets and these faces
i held this moon before in all of these places
today i walked through time
to find out how five years can pass so swiftly in the night,
leaving you with yourself and the shadowy moon.
i hope that the flimsiness of 23 wears off,
that the things i carry now are with me five years hence
i wish for my life to remain so blessed through circumstance
and while i wish for some of those memories
to return to life
i hope to be wiser still, and willing to return to say hello for certain
to the person i was and have become
to say goodbye to the ghosts another time
to let the watchful moon see me where i crossed before,
sending thoughts to friends who have moved on.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
25 Things About Me
1. I speak enough French and Spanish to get by in countries that speak either of those for about 3 hours.
2. I have two different colored eyes. The medical term for this is "heterochromia iridium".
3. I did gymnastics from the age of 4 until I was 12. I loved the parallel bars and the floor routine, which I continued doing in the form of modern dance when I got scared of hurting myself (ie. after I hurt myself enough times).
4. Sometimes, all I want is silence.
5. I have published poems, essays, and scientific papers. And I'm proud of that fact.
6. I loved being an only child. And I loved having older half-siblings.
7. I have always wanted to be a US Supreme Court justice.
8. I think I could eat sushi, pasta, bread and cheese, and salad exclusively forever and never be unhappy.
9. I am one of the least girly girls I know. Makeup, hairstyles, and fashion are mostly lost on me.
10. I love having a beer or a glass of wine at the end of the day.
11. I'm a little bit afraid of dogs.
12. I love going out for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And coffee. And drinks.
13. I am learning to trust myself. It took me six months to decide to go back to school for my masters. It took me two years to decide I wanted to get married.
14. I love every place I have lived, and I'm glad I moved so much as a kid, even though it made it hard to feel settled.
15. I played fullback on my high school soccer team, which went from having a losing season my freshman year to being second in the state my senior year. We had a different coach every year, and the team captain was killed in a car crash by a drunk driver my sophomore year. Those girls were my family.
16. I love camping and hiking. Unless it's really cold.
17. I would prefer to live with less possessions than I currently have. I think most people have way more than they need.
18. I skipped kindergarten.
19. I am never ashamed to dance.
20. I am afraid my parents are going to die too soon. I think about this weekly.
21. It takes a lot of effort for me not to be a slob around the house.
22. Someday, I'd like to have a place I could go to get away from it all. In the mountains, by the ocean, I don't care.
23. I have chronic arm pain that can make typing a daily issue. I am sporadically good about doing exercises and icing it.
24. I am afraid that when we move to the northeast, I'm going to get depressed from lack of sunshine.
25. I have vivid, crazy dreams every night.
2. I have two different colored eyes. The medical term for this is "heterochromia iridium".
3. I did gymnastics from the age of 4 until I was 12. I loved the parallel bars and the floor routine, which I continued doing in the form of modern dance when I got scared of hurting myself (ie. after I hurt myself enough times).
4. Sometimes, all I want is silence.
5. I have published poems, essays, and scientific papers. And I'm proud of that fact.
6. I loved being an only child. And I loved having older half-siblings.
7. I have always wanted to be a US Supreme Court justice.
8. I think I could eat sushi, pasta, bread and cheese, and salad exclusively forever and never be unhappy.
9. I am one of the least girly girls I know. Makeup, hairstyles, and fashion are mostly lost on me.
10. I love having a beer or a glass of wine at the end of the day.
11. I'm a little bit afraid of dogs.
12. I love going out for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And coffee. And drinks.
13. I am learning to trust myself. It took me six months to decide to go back to school for my masters. It took me two years to decide I wanted to get married.
14. I love every place I have lived, and I'm glad I moved so much as a kid, even though it made it hard to feel settled.
15. I played fullback on my high school soccer team, which went from having a losing season my freshman year to being second in the state my senior year. We had a different coach every year, and the team captain was killed in a car crash by a drunk driver my sophomore year. Those girls were my family.
16. I love camping and hiking. Unless it's really cold.
17. I would prefer to live with less possessions than I currently have. I think most people have way more than they need.
18. I skipped kindergarten.
19. I am never ashamed to dance.
20. I am afraid my parents are going to die too soon. I think about this weekly.
21. It takes a lot of effort for me not to be a slob around the house.
22. Someday, I'd like to have a place I could go to get away from it all. In the mountains, by the ocean, I don't care.
23. I have chronic arm pain that can make typing a daily issue. I am sporadically good about doing exercises and icing it.
24. I am afraid that when we move to the northeast, I'm going to get depressed from lack of sunshine.
25. I have vivid, crazy dreams every night.
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