Change

i'm still adjusting
to this my unexpected perfect home
still finding it dreamy
and content
but somewhat shattered by the
completeness of the changes.
the loneliness surprises me
making me wonder if
the task is to get more comfortable being
free to know myself truly
or if i need to practice being
free to be myself anywhere.

The beauty of tears
graces my face
working my way through words
to get my heart into the light
preoccupied by skyward motion
forgetting to watch my step
i fall into you
knocking you off the boat.
we owe each other
attention to the small things
is it easier to celebrate the major victories
than it is to cherish the silent moments
of authentic joy?
is it easier to carry each other's biggest burdens
or to notice the small wounds
forming out of sight?
and who decides what matters most
do we allow each other
to set the standards by which we interact
or do we impose our own values
on relationships?
it is usually the questions
and not the answers
that break me down.

Falling Together

Um this kind of never happens. Two posts in a day? I'm coping, ok? And here's a fresh off the press poem. Which means maybe it's in need of editing? But here it is. 

Falling is always the freest thing

Scary for what it leaves behind:

The solid footing you took for granted

When forming dreams in the sky.

The air is gray and crisp

And my fingers are tingling with the chill

Of October coming into town

My heart is aching with wonder

The distance between us is too much

The person there to care for you

Is driving away to beat the sunset

So we reach out into nothing

Locking eyes in our memories

Pretending not to be afraid

Hoping for a soft landing soon.

Reinvention

So. I've been feeling a bit... disoriented about this blog. Which is appropriate since it is titled "living LOST and found." But, you know, sometimes it's nice to have a plan. Or structure. In fact, from what I hear, it's kind of essential for maintaining your energy for doing other important things, like canoe trips and mountain biking. Because your brain can only do so much deciding.

Here's the new plan. I will...

1. Blog about accomplishing my big and little goals. I hope to inspire you to dream - and dream big and small.

2. Share information I have gleaned throughout the week. It has occurred to me that I am a major consumer of information. Perhaps I can put that to good use and share it with others. Topics will range WIDELY.

3. Post pictures of things. I need to take more pictures. And, a blog without pictures gets a little, um, wordy?

4. Share my opinions. Inevitable. On philosophy, psychology, politics. And potentially anything else.

5. Share poems.

So, Friday seems like a good day for learning. Let's have some Sharing Time.

• We just watched a documentary about rewilding tigers in South Africa so they can be reintroduced into Asia. Apparently this is highly controversial. All I know is - tigers are AWESOME. And it's hard not to want one as a pet.
• In case you were wondering, we did have an earthquake on the East Coast last week. And it somehow traveled from Virginia to Maine and Ohio and Georgia. Turns out, that's because we have special substrate.
• And in similarly nature-oriented learning, did you know that they are planning to build an oil pipeline from Canada to Texas? To me, getting oil out of sand sounds HARD. Also, building a 1,000 mile (or more) pipeline brings up issues of being able to monitor for damages/emergency leaks.
• Finally, did you know you could watch eagles on a webcam? Well, you can in the spring. Something to look forward to!

Happy weekend, friends! Here's to turning over a new leaf here at the ole blog.

at a minimum

giving up the ghost
the dreams that it is clear won't come to pass
the visions in my head from yesterday
time to wake up to
the world as it is
gluttonous and greedy
cold and cheeky
mostly just difficult to dance with
or is it only me?
i want to run to fly to jump to breathe in once
and know that i am at peace
could there be another choice
than frustrated marathons
i know now what you meant
about feeling far away from god
when you felt alone despite your seeking
when you were waiting at the station
realizing that train would never arrive
not in this lifetime
the cruel part of life
is the lack of a rewind button
or a pause
how the sweetest moments can drift by
while you're bent over in pain
and how when you find your need
you find that words won't work
and the passersby pick up the pace
real struggle isn't always beautiful
at least not until the mirror
of reflection rises
but that can take decades
at a minimum.

1. Working out when you're in shape is so much more fun than when you're not. But it also takes longer to feel like you're really DOING something. Problems, I know. Tomorrow morning I'll be going for a run, and that should remind me that I'm not in THAT good of shape - since it's been a few weeks since I've done it.

2. I've started a new habit - writing a long personal email to a long distance friend each day. I happened to be looking back through some old emails, and I used to be truly amazing (ha ha) at keeping in touch, in large part to email. And recently I've been wanting to reconnect, but not being sure how. Enter the email. Oh, and if you want one, just drop me a line and I'll put you on the list. :)

3. I think I'm going to put some poetry up here for a while, when I don't have time/thoughts for a real blog post. I've been feeling how much I need to write and share my writing. It's a huge part of how I define/explain/express myself. I am just not me with out. So, starting now...

I want my life to cover the globe -
seven continents in as many decades,
hear every language from smiling lips,
maybe greet the world through books and films
if fortune doesn't offer moneyed means to get me there.
So each season may be uncomfortably foreign
at first.
But at the end of each year
I hope to peer back into the past,
see pictures of myself laughing with a hundred friends
having grown through every challenge
learned to surf; captained my own ship
made many paths to the sea.
Because what is a life if not the chance to
be everything, fully, moment to moment, day after day,
until the shades are drawn at last.

i hate poems that rhyme.

tell me a story
silent and true
show me the secrets
you've hidden from view
break out the beauty
let go of the fear
hold on to my hand
i'll always be here
if now is not working
we'll just wait awhile
the love is still able
to run cross the miles
the sun is still shining
the way will come clear
and all of your worries
will soon disappear
it's not that i know this
because i am smart
it's that i keep listening
with all of my heart
you don't have to wonder
where peace will emerge
the truth is its waiting
always to be heard
so turn towards the sunshine
stand up on your feet
leave tired old nightmares
alone in the street
there's so much to learn from
and so much to see
this life is adventure
for you and for me.

Creation - Addition

I can't share the book, but I can share the poem!

What Makes a Man

What makes a man?

Is it the glint in his eye-

The dreams he has when he is young

That turn to memories he does cherish

When he is older?

Perhaps the lives he touches

The teachers that mold him

And light his path,

The love he offers,

Friendship of wit and wisdom.

What makes a man?

The strength he carries

Through any storm,

The shelter of his care

He offers to his family

And all in need?

Is it the depth of his mind,

How he opens himself to the world

To take God’s splendors in

And learn from every day

A new revelation?

Is it his willingness

to board the boat of life,

charting waters new to all,

and ride its many waves

in order to see the enduring sunrises?

Lo, a man must be all of these things,

For my father is this man

Who dreams,

Who loves,

Who gives,

Who thinks,

Who journeys on.

Creation

My cat and I both have very large pupils. That's not relevant to the rest of the post. Just something I thought you should know. :)

Tomorrow is my dad's 80th birthday. I'm not sure I know anyone else my age who has a dad whose quite as old as mine. My dad had me when he was 51. That means that I have three half-siblings who are in their late 40s, early 50s. That blows my mind more than Dad being old. Dad's always been old.

So I knew I was going to write him a poem. At first, I thought I'd write a poem titled "What Makes a Life," but given that he's a tiny bit (and only a tiny bit) sensitive about this whole aging process... I decided that sounded too "looking back because there's nothing to look forward to" about it. Then I got the brilliant idea (thanks to mandie!) to make him a book using the poem as the text, and pictures of him throughout his life as the imagery. After 6 or 7 hours of labor, it is finished, ordered, and printing somewhere (thanks to the powers of Blurb). And, I am SO PROUD OF IT! I have had a love for putting images with art ever since working on a film in high school. I am actually surprised I didn't think of combining my poems with pictures until now. Lucky for Dad, he gets the first book. Clearly, future versions will make me famous!

Oh, and I wrote the poem around a slightly less morbid title: "What Makes a Man." Fingers crossed he forgives me for getting it together late (it will arrive about 2 weeks after the official birthday). We did technically celebrate the birthday in August with all the family. Which he reminded me of a week ago when I asked what the plans were. I'm hoping that the finished product is worth the wait. :)

I have had a great weekend! C and I had a great date night on Friday night. Saturday we had a lazy, romantic morning, and then went off to workout/work/be social. I was invited to see Paul Taylor Dance Company perform. Ohh, MAN, were they good! Three pieces, all totally different. All very beautiful and interesting and hard.

To continue my cultural enrichment, today C and I had comped tickets to the Symphony. We were both prepared for a struggle with falling asleep, since we usually tend to lose steam about halfway in to symphony concerts (if not earlier...). And, we have enough on our plates that we were kind of grumbling about having to go. We were SO wrong! The theme was technically Tchaikovsky, but really it was fantasy stories. Romeo and Juliet, a moving tribute to a composer's late younger brother, and a ridiculous violin-solo led piece from Bruchs. Engaging, compelling, and all of the pieces told a very easily visualized story. It was magnificent. I felt as though each of the composers was speaking a very personal truth through the hands and mouths of the symphony musicians, intended just for us. To to it all off, a very kind symphony patron took pity on us and bought us a coffee when she heard us talking about how we didn't have any cash, but really wanted caffeine.

So, the end result is that I am super happy, but I have not worked the number of hours I was supposed to, so I'm going to go eat dinner and then see what I have left in me before I keel over and need sleep. Good thing I am taking Thu and Fri off for the holiday (and since my mom will be in town!). Happy Turkey Day if I don't see you before then!

the words get harder to match
to the situation
the pulsing in my chest
that comes from the meanders of my mind
harder to understand
harder to explain myself
the further in i get
the more memories pile on top of each other
the more slights i receive and perceive
the sorting gets more difficult
and the neutral audience becomes the holy grail
even when i think i've found it
i'm surprised to find
that i'm really always going to be by myself
in some things
i'm going to be the only one putting me first.
not that there aren't friends out there
it's just that sometimes expectations are all wrong
communication breaks down
your heart gets left behind
"maybe in the future you're gonna come back"
is an empty promise
the you in the future is a new person
and the place you need to come to has moved
you are older, less familiar with the nuances
and i am slightly defeated, weighed down by the waiting
i find this life intoxicating
and i find myself hungover from the insistent push pull let go give in make up
of it all.