This week was, um, yeah. The highlight of my afternoon today was eating my cheese quesadilla, since I recently learned that hard cheeses are lactose-free (since lactose is my new nemesis). I have LITERALLY spent a month saying to myself, dear god, how long until I can have some melted cheese??? That's just not a question you ever want to be asking yourself. And then I got to have some! It WAS as marvelous as I remembered.
The highlight of my day was, up until a minute ago, my lunch with one of my new local buds. I honestly am not sure that since high school have I met as many excellent friend-matches as quickly as I have here. Love this town. Love it! Also, I MUST have lunch with a friend once a week. That's on the list of lessons learned about working from home. For sho. Although... I think that was just as true when I worked at an office.
But the new highlight of my day? Surprise guests. At my birthday. EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, part of the short sad story of this week was that my brother had offered to host a family party for me and then somehow (I'm afraid to ask) forgot? and scheduled an out of town trip for the same day. So... I felt a little, um, forgotten? But we will push forward nonetheless and it looks like I will be seeing lots of my favorite people the week of my bday. Which is, well, FABULOUS. Fabulous. I can die happy. All thanks to the hubs who realized I wanted someone else to plan my birthday and DID IT. Even though I am looking over his shoulder occasionally to stir the pot, mostly I am out of it. And surprises brew. I love it.
Oh, did you not know? I'm turning 30 in 2.5 weeks. How could you not know? You must be new.
Also, mah friend K turned 31 today. Shout out! It used to be that we pretended we had the same birthday but just switched years... so either we would both be turning ... wait... now it doesn't make any sense to me. Hm. Teenage brain math must differ from adult math. Anyways, she's the bees knees and I hope she knows it!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
My Own Geography
David Brooks just made me cry. Not surprising that he did, but how he did, and the type of crying. He often says things that frustrate or depress me. This time it is maybe the opposite.
The key point: Don't try to be everyman. Be yourself. In particular, know where you are from, even. A simple thought. A good thought. Based on Springsteen, somewhat surprisingly (or not, depending on how much you know about Springsteen).
And this is hard for me, because part of who I am is inherently pluralistic, sampling styles. It's a huge part of how I learn what I like and don't like - I take pieces from the people I meet. I merge into their world to see how it feels. I guess what reading David's essay made me realize is this: that can be my way - the eternal explorer, but at the end of the day I still need to know who I am. Where I come from. With my own concrete story.
I currently live in the 13th home of my life. Ooh, that's not a good number. Moving on... Consequently, I have sometimes struggled with the results of the many moves during my life. But actually, I tend to think of my wandering past as a good part of who I am - why I appreciate the friends I have and keep in touch well (ok, better than most at least)... why I enjoy going to new places and don't fear the unknown... why I have a good sense for different parts of the country... and so on. This history is a part of who I am that I value. So the question is, how does that fit into what he's talking about?
Specifically: what is my paracosm? A place where all are welcome, with intuition guiding me, full of heart, proactive, thoughtful... and I needn't change that. The question most plaguing me is, how do I fully HONOR that? Integrate it.
I've been having competing ideas about my writing recently. Specifically, my poetry. Should I try to publish/sell my poems, or just let them be? Should I compile them all into one place so they don't get lost? (Yes.) The tricky part about publishing is that I don't write poetry the way some people say you are supposed to write. My poems aren't about plants and natural phenomena. Or images, necessarily. But neither were Bukowski's! I recently considered submitting to a local poetry publication, until I learned they only accepted poems if they didn't have "I" statements. So I didn't submit. I think all my poems either have an I statement or are about me.
But last winter I discovered Christian Wiman's poetry, who it turns out is also the editor of Poetry itself.... and his poems were reminiscient of mine - spiritual, emotional, personal. So I had the crazy thought that maybe I should submit something to Poetry magazine. As a gift to myself, honoring the importance of my voice, honoring the gift of my writing.
This past weekend I had the great luck of hearing an exceptional poem read (by the author himself) at a wedding. It stunned me with its personality, its poise, its insights. Afterwards, I told the author so and said that it made me reluctant to say I write poetry, since I am not sure I can achieve such awesomeness. And he emphatically said no, no, don't say that. So I won't. I have to respect the man's advice.
The hard part is loving your own gifts enough to put them into the world without also adding your own judgment. There's a difference between working hard and preparing well, and hiding.
I have some hard questions to face about whether or not I've been hiding my gifts by being a mirror of the gifts I see in others. Recently my gifts have been becoming apparent to me inadvertently, one by one, showing up and saying hi. And for now, I am just trying to take note of them so I don't forget who I am. Where I came from. A home that goes back before the moves ever began, and was with me throughout every step.
What's really crazy is that now I'm all out of free NYT articles for the month. Good thing that's just a few more days.
The key point: Don't try to be everyman. Be yourself. In particular, know where you are from, even. A simple thought. A good thought. Based on Springsteen, somewhat surprisingly (or not, depending on how much you know about Springsteen).
And this is hard for me, because part of who I am is inherently pluralistic, sampling styles. It's a huge part of how I learn what I like and don't like - I take pieces from the people I meet. I merge into their world to see how it feels. I guess what reading David's essay made me realize is this: that can be my way - the eternal explorer, but at the end of the day I still need to know who I am. Where I come from. With my own concrete story.
I currently live in the 13th home of my life. Ooh, that's not a good number. Moving on... Consequently, I have sometimes struggled with the results of the many moves during my life. But actually, I tend to think of my wandering past as a good part of who I am - why I appreciate the friends I have and keep in touch well (ok, better than most at least)... why I enjoy going to new places and don't fear the unknown... why I have a good sense for different parts of the country... and so on. This history is a part of who I am that I value. So the question is, how does that fit into what he's talking about?
Specifically: what is my paracosm? A place where all are welcome, with intuition guiding me, full of heart, proactive, thoughtful... and I needn't change that. The question most plaguing me is, how do I fully HONOR that? Integrate it.
I've been having competing ideas about my writing recently. Specifically, my poetry. Should I try to publish/sell my poems, or just let them be? Should I compile them all into one place so they don't get lost? (Yes.) The tricky part about publishing is that I don't write poetry the way some people say you are supposed to write. My poems aren't about plants and natural phenomena. Or images, necessarily. But neither were Bukowski's! I recently considered submitting to a local poetry publication, until I learned they only accepted poems if they didn't have "I" statements. So I didn't submit. I think all my poems either have an I statement or are about me.
But last winter I discovered Christian Wiman's poetry, who it turns out is also the editor of Poetry itself.... and his poems were reminiscient of mine - spiritual, emotional, personal. So I had the crazy thought that maybe I should submit something to Poetry magazine. As a gift to myself, honoring the importance of my voice, honoring the gift of my writing.
This past weekend I had the great luck of hearing an exceptional poem read (by the author himself) at a wedding. It stunned me with its personality, its poise, its insights. Afterwards, I told the author so and said that it made me reluctant to say I write poetry, since I am not sure I can achieve such awesomeness. And he emphatically said no, no, don't say that. So I won't. I have to respect the man's advice.
The hard part is loving your own gifts enough to put them into the world without also adding your own judgment. There's a difference between working hard and preparing well, and hiding.
I have some hard questions to face about whether or not I've been hiding my gifts by being a mirror of the gifts I see in others. Recently my gifts have been becoming apparent to me inadvertently, one by one, showing up and saying hi. And for now, I am just trying to take note of them so I don't forget who I am. Where I came from. A home that goes back before the moves ever began, and was with me throughout every step.
What's really crazy is that now I'm all out of free NYT articles for the month. Good thing that's just a few more days.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Fast-Paced Life, marked with moments of zen
How can I convince the hubs to let me do some personal projects during the 8 hour car ride we have on Friday (and Sunday)?? But oh my goodness am I excited about this weekend - we are going to a best friend from high school's wedding... and let me just say, when you've seen your friend go through ups and downs and the curvy road of finding the person to marry, the idea of seeing them marry someone you're genuinely excited about just brings you so much joy! I fully expect to bawl my frakin' eyes out. Hope to get that over with before I do my reading!! (also incredibly excited about that)
I am feeling so much great support in my life right now, and I really appreciate it. My husband, my family, and my friend-family, are all just so excellent and positive and affirming. So thanks, guys. You make it all worthwhile. You really do.
The best thing that happened to me in the last week was going to the beach with Dad and the hubs. Saturday was a PERFECT beach day. The right temp, sunny but light breeze. The water was cool, but comfortable. The sign said the water was 60 degrees, but it felt way warmer. The waves were perfection. No jellyfish to be seen. Plenty of room for bodysurfing (i.e. not hordes of small children everywhere). I did the things that come as instinct - dive in at the bottom and duck under the wave, turn and lay flat to ride it in, turn upside down to exit, swim and swim and swim. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Summer. At last. Back at the beach chairs, Dad asked how married life is going, and I said awesome. I am super grateful for that as well. It's nice to be able to have our wacky moments here and there (and honestly here and there and not here and here and here), and to know that it's still allll gooood.
The second best thing was spending fathers day with my dad and my siblings and their families. Cookout, some badminton, some tasty drinks. Such neat people - so relaxing to be with. And finally (finally!) I feel like we fit in. Like we are welcome and wanted and such.
I am feeling better physically, except for my arm pain. I really need to set up my handsfree stuff better... but finding the time to do that is SO HARD. That, and filing, and reading professional articles.... how do people ever find the time to do those things? I know, you make time. But I just never do.
This morning there was a wicked thunderstorm - it was so great! And now it's warm. Luckily, I have this new contraption in my life - a portable AC unit that fits in my office so I don't swelter all summer. Yes!!! All thanks to my stepmom. A really thoughtful gift. It was actually an early birthday present.
Yay birthdays! Less than a month til I turn 30. Watch out, world! You just don't know!
I am feeling so much great support in my life right now, and I really appreciate it. My husband, my family, and my friend-family, are all just so excellent and positive and affirming. So thanks, guys. You make it all worthwhile. You really do.
The best thing that happened to me in the last week was going to the beach with Dad and the hubs. Saturday was a PERFECT beach day. The right temp, sunny but light breeze. The water was cool, but comfortable. The sign said the water was 60 degrees, but it felt way warmer. The waves were perfection. No jellyfish to be seen. Plenty of room for bodysurfing (i.e. not hordes of small children everywhere). I did the things that come as instinct - dive in at the bottom and duck under the wave, turn and lay flat to ride it in, turn upside down to exit, swim and swim and swim. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Summer. At last. Back at the beach chairs, Dad asked how married life is going, and I said awesome. I am super grateful for that as well. It's nice to be able to have our wacky moments here and there (and honestly here and there and not here and here and here), and to know that it's still allll gooood.
The second best thing was spending fathers day with my dad and my siblings and their families. Cookout, some badminton, some tasty drinks. Such neat people - so relaxing to be with. And finally (finally!) I feel like we fit in. Like we are welcome and wanted and such.
I am feeling better physically, except for my arm pain. I really need to set up my handsfree stuff better... but finding the time to do that is SO HARD. That, and filing, and reading professional articles.... how do people ever find the time to do those things? I know, you make time. But I just never do.
This morning there was a wicked thunderstorm - it was so great! And now it's warm. Luckily, I have this new contraption in my life - a portable AC unit that fits in my office so I don't swelter all summer. Yes!!! All thanks to my stepmom. A really thoughtful gift. It was actually an early birthday present.
Yay birthdays! Less than a month til I turn 30. Watch out, world! You just don't know!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Could get lost tonight
City - Sara Bareilles
There's a harvest each saturday night
At the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride
A place you can stand for one night and get gone
It's clear this conversation ain't' doing a thing
Cause these boys only listen to me when i sing
And i don't feel like singing tonight
All the same songs
Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
Nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?
The situation's always the same
You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name
Stealing gold from the silver they see
But it's not me
Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away
Am i gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading
In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold on to you?
There's a harvest each saturday night
At the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride
A place you can stand for one night and get gone
It's clear this conversation ain't' doing a thing
Cause these boys only listen to me when i sing
And i don't feel like singing tonight
All the same songs
Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
Nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?
The situation's always the same
You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name
Stealing gold from the silver they see
But it's not me
Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away
Am i gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading
In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold on to you?
Friday, June 1, 2012
Wedding Wisting
Things are freakishly good right now with the hubs... a very good friend of mine is about to get married, and there's some super sweet chit chat going on at APW about wedding memories. So since I have no idea if I already wrote these things down or not, here's just a few things I will (hopefully) always remember... or at least, I remember after more than 2.5 years:
- my sister saying I looked like Alice in Wonderland peering around the trees, when i was looking for my prince waiting at the other end of the garden for our private moment
- crying the minute I saw him
- not crying from then on for the rest of the wedding day
- sinking my bare toes down into the sand and feeling the stress and excitement melt away into peace and joy
- discovering that my dad had put extreme amounts of thought into both our walk down the aisle and our first dance
- the impromptu addition of my sisters and dad to the laying on of hands my bridesmaids and mom did before i saw chris
- the nausea that permeated the morning prior to that moment
- getting the phone call from my brother in law who couldn't come on the way to get ready
- laughing laughing laughing at the ceremony
- chris's groomsmen beaming at me
- dom picking up my shoes and bringing them to me
- the flowers wilting and dunking them in the fountain to see if they'd revive
- listening to the party going on without us and kind of enjoying it
- the hug i got from my uncle
- the kiss on the cheek i got from ben
- the hugs i got from my cousin's daughter, and her saying i was the prettiest bride she'd ever seen
- stealing as many hors doeuvres as i could before we had to go sit for dinner
- trying to go talk to people while they ate dinner and not making it to more than 2 tables
- running out of sangria and ordering more
- dancing in the circle around the courtyard fountain with all my friends
- dancing dancing dancing in that white dress
- chris's dad dancing with me
- the perfect sunset
- the bubble bath explosion
- clearly choosing to give up the magical sheen surrounding us from getting married and go have brunch with my mom the next morning out of nowhere, as a gift to her.
and it occurs to me, for the first time since then, .... did we start the ceremony late? which is funny because i clearly clearly decided that time did not matter very early on that day... but now i'm curious.
- my sister saying I looked like Alice in Wonderland peering around the trees, when i was looking for my prince waiting at the other end of the garden for our private moment
- crying the minute I saw him
- not crying from then on for the rest of the wedding day
- sinking my bare toes down into the sand and feeling the stress and excitement melt away into peace and joy
- discovering that my dad had put extreme amounts of thought into both our walk down the aisle and our first dance
- the impromptu addition of my sisters and dad to the laying on of hands my bridesmaids and mom did before i saw chris
- the nausea that permeated the morning prior to that moment
- getting the phone call from my brother in law who couldn't come on the way to get ready
- laughing laughing laughing at the ceremony
- chris's groomsmen beaming at me
- dom picking up my shoes and bringing them to me
- the flowers wilting and dunking them in the fountain to see if they'd revive
- listening to the party going on without us and kind of enjoying it
- the hug i got from my uncle
- the kiss on the cheek i got from ben
- the hugs i got from my cousin's daughter, and her saying i was the prettiest bride she'd ever seen
- stealing as many hors doeuvres as i could before we had to go sit for dinner
- trying to go talk to people while they ate dinner and not making it to more than 2 tables
- running out of sangria and ordering more
- dancing in the circle around the courtyard fountain with all my friends
- dancing dancing dancing in that white dress
- chris's dad dancing with me
- the perfect sunset
- the bubble bath explosion
- clearly choosing to give up the magical sheen surrounding us from getting married and go have brunch with my mom the next morning out of nowhere, as a gift to her.
and it occurs to me, for the first time since then, .... did we start the ceremony late? which is funny because i clearly clearly decided that time did not matter very early on that day... but now i'm curious.
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