It is this moment that I will take with me
I hope
where the quiet is a friend
the sky shifting slowly across the window
blue backed clouds and pole perched birds
and the feeling in this moment
that you are out there
calling to me
inviting me toward a verdant stream
where i might lie
and know the peace
that comes from living through the bombs
of everyday assaults -
the judgments, the betrayals, the accidental injuries -
and getting to that place
where the friends are everywhere
the words passing simply across our lips
big bold hearts and standing still together
and the feeling in the moment
that we are better for each one of us.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
i'll build you a house from twine and seashells
every room just the way you want
you said to me
i'll write down every word you say
in a notebook with flowers on the cover
tucked under the mattress
i know you meant well
but it's been so long since we've been like this together
since we've sat down face to face
holding hands and sharing secret dreams
i'm not sure i even know you
let's start small
a walk in the autumn woods
to notice the sunshine tricks through fading leaves
i'll think of a few songs to sing to you
written long ago
hummed in a whispery way
while you rest your head on my knee
drifting between waking and dreams
and you can come here every day
for an hour
make me tea
and learn to pay attention.
every room just the way you want
you said to me
i'll write down every word you say
in a notebook with flowers on the cover
tucked under the mattress
i know you meant well
but it's been so long since we've been like this together
since we've sat down face to face
holding hands and sharing secret dreams
i'm not sure i even know you
let's start small
a walk in the autumn woods
to notice the sunshine tricks through fading leaves
i'll think of a few songs to sing to you
written long ago
hummed in a whispery way
while you rest your head on my knee
drifting between waking and dreams
and you can come here every day
for an hour
make me tea
and learn to pay attention.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Bucket List
I'm alive!!! Tee hee. Did you miss me? I won't try to explain my absence other than to say, sometimes life keeps you from writing about it because you're busy living it. Also, I'm all caught up on my shows. ;P
Thanks to my endless imagination and inspiring job, I have a few new items as of today to add to my bucket list. Which made me think, maybe it's time to post an updated bucket list!
Things still to do before I die (and progress thus far):
1) Have a rip-roaring anniversary/vow renewal party with the hubs (any decadal or 25-year mark of our marriage will work)
2) Take the hubs to Europe (trip planned for May 2014!)
3) Visit all 7 continents (3 down, 4 to go)
4) Visit as many Frederick Law Olmsted Sr.-designed parks/landscapes as possible, including Yosemite (Central Park, Mount Royal, Prospect Park, Biltmore Estate, the U.S. Capitol Grounds, Delaware Park)
5) Take an overnight sailing trip
6) Go parasailing
7) Float/Raft the Grand Canyon
8) Tithe my income (i.e. donate 10% of my income to charity)
9) See a baby be born
10) Be with someone when they die
11) Do a silent retreat longer than 1 day
12) See the Northern Lights
13) Whitewater raft a class 3 or higher river
14) Ride 40 miles on my bike
15) Take a month off work
16) Volunteer in South America
17) Ride a horse on the beach
18) Buy a house
19) Own a dog
Thanks to my endless imagination and inspiring job, I have a few new items as of today to add to my bucket list. Which made me think, maybe it's time to post an updated bucket list!
Things still to do before I die (and progress thus far):
1) Have a rip-roaring anniversary/vow renewal party with the hubs (any decadal or 25-year mark of our marriage will work)
2) Take the hubs to Europe (trip planned for May 2014!)
3) Visit all 7 continents (3 down, 4 to go)
4) Visit as many Frederick Law Olmsted Sr.-designed parks/landscapes as possible, including Yosemite (Central Park, Mount Royal, Prospect Park, Biltmore Estate, the U.S. Capitol Grounds, Delaware Park)
5) Take an overnight sailing trip
6) Go parasailing
7) Float/Raft the Grand Canyon
8) Tithe my income (i.e. donate 10% of my income to charity)
9) See a baby be born
10) Be with someone when they die
11) Do a silent retreat longer than 1 day
12) See the Northern Lights
13) Whitewater raft a class 3 or higher river
14) Ride 40 miles on my bike
15) Take a month off work
16) Volunteer in South America
17) Ride a horse on the beach
18) Buy a house
19) Own a dog
Friday, September 13, 2013
Good times
Today is a great day, even if it is Friday the 13th. I'm not superstitious though.
My dad came out of a triple bypass surgery yesterday with flying colors. He's already sitting up, eating, and telling the staff stories. Even jokes. This could not be better news! I am elated!
My job is one step closer to making meeting Justin Timberlake something I might get paid to do. I cannot complain.
In doing job-related research, I discovered his upcoming movie, Runner Runner, which looks great. I'm starting a list of movies to see, since it's getting too long to remember (and there is so much summer crap out in the theaters right now). Hoping my new library card will make it relatively easy/free to see most of these.
1) Runner Runner
2) Don Jon
3) Mud
4) Despicable Me 2
5) Before Midnight
6) Place Beyond the Pines
7) Moneyball
8) Tree of Life
9) No
10) Monsters U
My dad came out of a triple bypass surgery yesterday with flying colors. He's already sitting up, eating, and telling the staff stories. Even jokes. This could not be better news! I am elated!
My job is one step closer to making meeting Justin Timberlake something I might get paid to do. I cannot complain.
In doing job-related research, I discovered his upcoming movie, Runner Runner, which looks great. I'm starting a list of movies to see, since it's getting too long to remember (and there is so much summer crap out in the theaters right now). Hoping my new library card will make it relatively easy/free to see most of these.
1) Runner Runner
2) Don Jon
3) Mud
4) Despicable Me 2
5) Before Midnight
6) Place Beyond the Pines
7) Moneyball
8) Tree of Life
9) No
10) Monsters U
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
snippets
Some randomness from dreams and real life...
-kitties sunning themselves, squinting, resting on the floor
-dream: that i woke up this morning to find the ground covered in snow (and our back door moved three feet to the left), and tried to do the math of how much the temperature would have had to fall last night for that to happen - 45 degrees!
-debating making a gluten free pie crust or making a crustless quiche
-daydreaming for being in a pool, lake, the ocean, whatever
-thinking about a family trip to the water park for my birthday in a couple of weeks. and quite happy to still be young at heart.
-discovered a great body-care special - $100 for 5 yoga classes and an hour massage.
-restlessness because it's been too rainy/muggy to go running. to be cured by this evening's yoga class
-frozen bananas in dark chocolate now being sold at the grocery store
-junior mints
-raspberries
-I'm finally reading a Barbara Kingsolver novel, her newest: Flight Behavior. I love it. I will definitely be reading more of her stuff.
-"Mother, these are my awards, from Arrrrmmmmyyyy"
-Why do cats get to take all the naps??
-we started using Mint.com, a decade after everyone else, and it's so useful! Love the budget feature! and not having to sign in to a million different sites to check our accounts
-someone recently tried to convince me that i don't want to use a teleporter. The risk of being disassembled and all. I say it's worth the chance of being unrecoverable if I can go see my friends and family at a moment's notice.
-our brains almost exploded watching Mythbusters featuring the Storm Chasers stars
-the Tour de France is on. secretly all i can think about is - how many of these guys are NOT doping??
-the dishwasher is a good good friend of mine :)
-kitties sunning themselves, squinting, resting on the floor
-dream: that i woke up this morning to find the ground covered in snow (and our back door moved three feet to the left), and tried to do the math of how much the temperature would have had to fall last night for that to happen - 45 degrees!
-debating making a gluten free pie crust or making a crustless quiche
-daydreaming for being in a pool, lake, the ocean, whatever
-thinking about a family trip to the water park for my birthday in a couple of weeks. and quite happy to still be young at heart.
-discovered a great body-care special - $100 for 5 yoga classes and an hour massage.
-restlessness because it's been too rainy/muggy to go running. to be cured by this evening's yoga class
-frozen bananas in dark chocolate now being sold at the grocery store
-junior mints
-raspberries
-I'm finally reading a Barbara Kingsolver novel, her newest: Flight Behavior. I love it. I will definitely be reading more of her stuff.
-"Mother, these are my awards, from Arrrrmmmmyyyy"
-Why do cats get to take all the naps??
-we started using Mint.com, a decade after everyone else, and it's so useful! Love the budget feature! and not having to sign in to a million different sites to check our accounts
-someone recently tried to convince me that i don't want to use a teleporter. The risk of being disassembled and all. I say it's worth the chance of being unrecoverable if I can go see my friends and family at a moment's notice.
-our brains almost exploded watching Mythbusters featuring the Storm Chasers stars
-the Tour de France is on. secretly all i can think about is - how many of these guys are NOT doping??
-the dishwasher is a good good friend of mine :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Unfinished
this is the first poem i've written in months, so even though it's in need of some revision, i'm putting it out there... because i think writing is meant to be shared.
The magic of
Tall,
canyoned streets,
Sunset
reflections at the lake front,
Sirens
layered on symphonies
Of color and
activity,
The
sidestreet blues bar where smiley, surly Joe
Called up
groups of white, Latino, and Asian musicians
To join the
jam – they play
From the
belly and light up the eyes of the watching weary,
The el train
to DePaul on a Cosby street,
Or my
beloved Mexico beckoning through a dark-eyed bartender,
Serving
tropical, smoky-sweet and tangy-tongued tastes
To sultry
samba sways.
Is it
possibility, or triumph?
Full
bellied, I clattered down your streets, enamored of
Traffic, of
industry, of old bridges facing down steel-windowed facades.
I lusted for
you without knowing, and
You sated my
desire
Until I
could only brim with the buzzing of excitement.
Yes,
I was born here, close by.
I came into
the world and quickly walked away,
And in my
absence you grew glorious.
Thirty years
later you called out to me, and I found you,
Arriving at
myself
This perfect
blue-sky day.
Unbelieving
in my good fortune, our fair match.
These days I
am more easily captivated by a place,
Falling in
love with cities is the new high,
Now that my
ring finger is fixed on one man and sobriety simplifies.
Now I live
to discover new homes for my heart
And the
world beckons endlessly, the many-metropolised Medusa.
Explore,
discover, enjoy, she whispers.
Some cities
are certainly sexy.
Mutual
attraction, or fated fantasy?
Is it in the forgetting of self
that accompanies adulthood,
making the senses ring when life's nectar drips into view?
Or have I earned this appreciation
through toiling hours and quiet questioning?
What a
world! What a life! I'll take you with me when I go,
Chicago.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Not mine
2 little whos
(he and she)
under are this
wonderful tree
smiling stand
(all realms of where
and when beyond)
now and here
(far from a grown-
up i&you-
ful world of known)
who and who
(2 little ams
and over them this
aflame with dreams
incredible is)
(he and she)
under are this
wonderful tree
smiling stand
(all realms of where
and when beyond)
now and here
(far from a grown-
up i&you-
ful world of known)
who and who
(2 little ams
and over them this
aflame with dreams
incredible is)
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Vulnerability, and the Journey
Today I got sucked into a major existential moment. But it feels necessary. I blame the upcoming treinticentennial (yes, I made that up).
First, you HAVE to watch this TED talk. Talk about getting down to brass tacks. And please note that the author must go in to the question with her whole self in order to speak to the human condition with any real knowledge.
Also, I'm in love with a blog. Momastery. She does the real, hard, beautiful thing with panache.
Here's a poem from someone else, to guide your days:
Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann
I began asking myself a few days ago how exactly I know that God is speaking and moving in my life. I'm getting some indirect but inescapable answers. The life moment I am in is particularly vulnerable. And I really want to have the courage to be IN IT and love it and accept it and wrestle with it and above all BELIEVE that I deserve great things. That my story can (continue to) be great. Which is to say, it would appear that I may lose as much as 60% of my work/pay in just 3 weeks, and the chance of me getting clarity immediately is slim.
But this is where my heart is :
to be known was always the goal
and the fear
to really go - out there - with all of it
like standing naked on a highway,
which i have never done.
what is it about this world that turns fearless babies' hearts
to worry
and makes us henceforth crawl our way back
to authenticity?
why were we separated?
the big bang shuddered us eventually into life
of struggle and imbalance
and fear.
why not stay in the sweet oneness
where questions don't lead us into the dark
where we must fight with ourselves
to find a true way
based in creativity and love?
the early peoples understood that these
were the fundamental questions:
who decided we should know both good and evil?
and what in the world can reconcile us
to that sweet whole from whence we came?
my question to the inward and outward skies remains:
is the journey back really the blessing or the curse?
but that is not for me to decide.
(poem by me)
First, you HAVE to watch this TED talk. Talk about getting down to brass tacks. And please note that the author must go in to the question with her whole self in order to speak to the human condition with any real knowledge.
Also, I'm in love with a blog. Momastery. She does the real, hard, beautiful thing with panache.
Here's a poem from someone else, to guide your days:
Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann
I began asking myself a few days ago how exactly I know that God is speaking and moving in my life. I'm getting some indirect but inescapable answers. The life moment I am in is particularly vulnerable. And I really want to have the courage to be IN IT and love it and accept it and wrestle with it and above all BELIEVE that I deserve great things. That my story can (continue to) be great. Which is to say, it would appear that I may lose as much as 60% of my work/pay in just 3 weeks, and the chance of me getting clarity immediately is slim.
But this is where my heart is :
to be known was always the goal
and the fear
to really go - out there - with all of it
like standing naked on a highway,
which i have never done.
what is it about this world that turns fearless babies' hearts
to worry
and makes us henceforth crawl our way back
to authenticity?
why were we separated?
the big bang shuddered us eventually into life
of struggle and imbalance
and fear.
why not stay in the sweet oneness
where questions don't lead us into the dark
where we must fight with ourselves
to find a true way
based in creativity and love?
the early peoples understood that these
were the fundamental questions:
who decided we should know both good and evil?
and what in the world can reconcile us
to that sweet whole from whence we came?
my question to the inward and outward skies remains:
is the journey back really the blessing or the curse?
but that is not for me to decide.
(poem by me)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Busy
I take offense at the idea that if I say I'm busy I'm boasting. Generally when I'm busy, I'm not necessarily happy about it. I much prefer days and days of sitting around, catching up with friends, soaking in the sun, with no schedule. I agree with this author that there is great benefit in moments of ease and synergy that comes unexpectedly while eating ice cream.
I will admit that after a stretch of very full days, it takes me a day of really being "off duty" to wind down, and it's usually a little bit, um, emotional. The scary thing is that I haven't had a day like that in a long while. I think sometimes we get stuck on overdrive and even keep ourselves busy on days off. My next big break is going to be on my birthday next week, since I have it off of work and a day to do what I wish. Luxurious freedom!
What really messes with my head about how busy I am at work and in my personal life is the idea that if you put your head down and do each of the next things you think you're supposed to do, you can end up somewhere totally different than where you wanted to go. In fact, much of my desire to be organized stems from this fear. I set goals, I check in, and I try to step back. But I can feel the force of everyone around me also moving faster and faster, sucking me into it. So I have to fight back to get that critical space in which to think.
I will admit that after a stretch of very full days, it takes me a day of really being "off duty" to wind down, and it's usually a little bit, um, emotional. The scary thing is that I haven't had a day like that in a long while. I think sometimes we get stuck on overdrive and even keep ourselves busy on days off. My next big break is going to be on my birthday next week, since I have it off of work and a day to do what I wish. Luxurious freedom!
What really messes with my head about how busy I am at work and in my personal life is the idea that if you put your head down and do each of the next things you think you're supposed to do, you can end up somewhere totally different than where you wanted to go. In fact, much of my desire to be organized stems from this fear. I set goals, I check in, and I try to step back. But I can feel the force of everyone around me also moving faster and faster, sucking me into it. So I have to fight back to get that critical space in which to think.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Highlights
This week was, um, yeah. The highlight of my afternoon today was eating my cheese quesadilla, since I recently learned that hard cheeses are lactose-free (since lactose is my new nemesis). I have LITERALLY spent a month saying to myself, dear god, how long until I can have some melted cheese??? That's just not a question you ever want to be asking yourself. And then I got to have some! It WAS as marvelous as I remembered.
The highlight of my day was, up until a minute ago, my lunch with one of my new local buds. I honestly am not sure that since high school have I met as many excellent friend-matches as quickly as I have here. Love this town. Love it! Also, I MUST have lunch with a friend once a week. That's on the list of lessons learned about working from home. For sho. Although... I think that was just as true when I worked at an office.
But the new highlight of my day? Surprise guests. At my birthday. EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, part of the short sad story of this week was that my brother had offered to host a family party for me and then somehow (I'm afraid to ask) forgot? and scheduled an out of town trip for the same day. So... I felt a little, um, forgotten? But we will push forward nonetheless and it looks like I will be seeing lots of my favorite people the week of my bday. Which is, well, FABULOUS. Fabulous. I can die happy. All thanks to the hubs who realized I wanted someone else to plan my birthday and DID IT. Even though I am looking over his shoulder occasionally to stir the pot, mostly I am out of it. And surprises brew. I love it.
Oh, did you not know? I'm turning 30 in 2.5 weeks. How could you not know? You must be new.
Also, mah friend K turned 31 today. Shout out! It used to be that we pretended we had the same birthday but just switched years... so either we would both be turning ... wait... now it doesn't make any sense to me. Hm. Teenage brain math must differ from adult math. Anyways, she's the bees knees and I hope she knows it!
The highlight of my day was, up until a minute ago, my lunch with one of my new local buds. I honestly am not sure that since high school have I met as many excellent friend-matches as quickly as I have here. Love this town. Love it! Also, I MUST have lunch with a friend once a week. That's on the list of lessons learned about working from home. For sho. Although... I think that was just as true when I worked at an office.
But the new highlight of my day? Surprise guests. At my birthday. EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, part of the short sad story of this week was that my brother had offered to host a family party for me and then somehow (I'm afraid to ask) forgot? and scheduled an out of town trip for the same day. So... I felt a little, um, forgotten? But we will push forward nonetheless and it looks like I will be seeing lots of my favorite people the week of my bday. Which is, well, FABULOUS. Fabulous. I can die happy. All thanks to the hubs who realized I wanted someone else to plan my birthday and DID IT. Even though I am looking over his shoulder occasionally to stir the pot, mostly I am out of it. And surprises brew. I love it.
Oh, did you not know? I'm turning 30 in 2.5 weeks. How could you not know? You must be new.
Also, mah friend K turned 31 today. Shout out! It used to be that we pretended we had the same birthday but just switched years... so either we would both be turning ... wait... now it doesn't make any sense to me. Hm. Teenage brain math must differ from adult math. Anyways, she's the bees knees and I hope she knows it!
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