Busy

I take offense at the idea that if I say I'm busy I'm boasting. Generally when I'm busy, I'm not necessarily happy about it. I much prefer days and days of sitting around, catching up with friends, soaking in the sun, with no schedule. I agree with this author that there is great benefit in moments of ease and synergy that comes unexpectedly while eating ice cream.

I will admit that after a stretch of very full days, it takes me a day of really being "off duty" to wind down, and it's usually a little bit, um, emotional. The scary thing is that I haven't had a day like that in a long while. I think sometimes we get stuck on overdrive and even keep ourselves busy on days off. My next big break is going to be on my birthday next week, since I have it off of work and a day to do what I wish. Luxurious freedom!

What really messes with my head about how busy I am at work and in my personal life is the idea that if you put your head down and do each of the next things you think you're supposed to do, you can end up somewhere totally different than where you wanted to go. In fact, much of my desire to be organized stems from this fear. I set goals, I check in, and I try to step back. But I can feel the force of everyone around me also moving faster and faster, sucking me into it. So I have to fight back to get that critical space in which to think.

Mesilla Moon

ghosts move under a full moon in mesilla
almost shouting their warnings to a stranger as she enters.
five years passed with fanfare and tribulations
i grew wiser perhaps, more distant from the past for certain;
these streets are so familiar and with predictable changes
chain stores on the corners, the good haunts remain
i am also familiar to myself and with predictable changes
i wear your ring now on my finger
it greets me throughout my day with its specialness
as do you, my frenzied fabler.

i remember four girls linking arms here, linking lives fully, thoughtlessly.
i was naive to think that all deep friendship
would stand the test of time and miles
i feel wiser perhaps, sad to have lost you for certain;

those young girls outlived themselves
into more adult lives of busyness and toil
into more adult separations by difference and wounds
outlived the beauties of perfect conversation and commitment
when the world called out to us, glowing and free.

but also 
i was naive to think that the struggles of embarking on a life
would last for long
the alley wanderings, the languid phone calls
i am wiser perhaps, more present to myself for certain;
i am a stranger here and yet not totally gone
i know these streets and these faces
i held this moon before in all of these places
today i walked through time
to find out how five years can pass so swiftly in the night,
leaving you with yourself and the shadowy moon.

i hope that the flimsiness of 23 wears off,
that the things i carry now are with me five years hence
i wish for my life to remain so blessed through circumstance
and while i wish for some of those memories
to return to life
i hope to be wiser still, and willing to return to say hello for certain
to the person i was and have become
to say goodbye to the ghosts another time
to let the watchful moon see me where i crossed before,
sending thoughts to friends who have moved on.