My Own Geography

David Brooks just made me cry. Not surprising that he did, but how he did, and the type of crying. He often says things that frustrate or depress me. This time it is maybe the opposite.


The key point: Don't try to be everyman. Be yourself. In particular, know where you are from, even. A simple thought. A good thought. Based on Springsteen, somewhat surprisingly (or not, depending on how much you know about Springsteen).

And this is hard for me, because part of who I am is inherently pluralistic, sampling styles. It's a huge part of how I learn what I like and don't like - I take pieces from the people I meet. I merge into their world to see how it feels. I guess what reading David's essay made me realize is this: that can be my way - the eternal explorer, but at the end of the day I still need to know who I am. Where I come from. With my own concrete story.

I currently live in the 13th home of my life. Ooh, that's not a good number. Moving on... Consequently, I have sometimes struggled with the results of the many moves during my life. But actually, I tend to think of my wandering past as a good part of who I am - why I appreciate the friends I have and keep in touch well (ok, better than most at least)... why I enjoy going to new places and don't fear the unknown... why I have a good sense for different parts of the country... and so on. This history is a part of who I am that I value. So the question is, how does that fit into what he's talking about?

Specifically: what is my paracosm? A place where all are welcome, with intuition guiding me, full of heart, proactive, thoughtful... and I needn't change that. The question most plaguing me is, how do I fully HONOR that? Integrate it.

I've been having competing ideas about my writing recently. Specifically, my poetry. Should I try to publish/sell my poems, or just let them be? Should I compile them all into one place so they don't get lost? (Yes.) The tricky part about publishing is that I don't write poetry the way some people say you are supposed to write. My poems aren't about plants and natural phenomena. Or images, necessarily. But neither were Bukowski's! I recently considered submitting to a local poetry publication, until I learned they only accepted poems if they didn't have "I" statements. So I didn't submit. I think all my poems either have an I statement or are about me.

But last winter I discovered Christian Wiman's poetry, who it turns out is also the editor of Poetry itself.... and his poems were reminiscient of mine - spiritual, emotional, personal. So I had the crazy thought that maybe I should submit something to Poetry magazine. As a gift to myself, honoring the importance of my voice, honoring the gift of my writing.

This past weekend I had the great luck of hearing an exceptional poem read (by the author himself) at a wedding. It stunned me with its personality, its poise, its insights. Afterwards, I told the author so and said that it made me reluctant to say I write poetry, since I am not sure I can achieve such awesomeness. And he emphatically said no, no, don't say that. So I won't. I have to respect the man's advice.

The hard part is loving your own gifts enough to put them into the world without also adding your own judgment. There's a difference between working hard and preparing well, and hiding.

I have some hard questions to face about whether or not I've been hiding my gifts by being a mirror of the gifts I see in others. Recently my gifts have been becoming apparent to me inadvertently, one by one, showing up and saying hi. And for now, I am just trying to take note of them so I don't forget who I am. Where I came from. A home that goes back before the moves ever began, and was with me throughout every step.

What's really crazy is that now I'm all out of free NYT articles for the month. Good thing that's just a few more days.

Mesilla Moon

ghosts move under a full moon in mesilla
almost shouting their warnings to a stranger as she enters.
five years passed with fanfare and tribulations
i grew wiser perhaps, more distant from the past for certain;
these streets are so familiar and with predictable changes
chain stores on the corners, the good haunts remain
i am also familiar to myself and with predictable changes
i wear your ring now on my finger
it greets me throughout my day with its specialness
as do you, my frenzied fabler.

i remember four girls linking arms here, linking lives fully, thoughtlessly.
i was naive to think that all deep friendship
would stand the test of time and miles
i feel wiser perhaps, sad to have lost you for certain;

those young girls outlived themselves
into more adult lives of busyness and toil
into more adult separations by difference and wounds
outlived the beauties of perfect conversation and commitment
when the world called out to us, glowing and free.

but also 
i was naive to think that the struggles of embarking on a life
would last for long
the alley wanderings, the languid phone calls
i am wiser perhaps, more present to myself for certain;
i am a stranger here and yet not totally gone
i know these streets and these faces
i held this moon before in all of these places
today i walked through time
to find out how five years can pass so swiftly in the night,
leaving you with yourself and the shadowy moon.

i hope that the flimsiness of 23 wears off,
that the things i carry now are with me five years hence
i wish for my life to remain so blessed through circumstance
and while i wish for some of those memories
to return to life
i hope to be wiser still, and willing to return to say hello for certain
to the person i was and have become
to say goodbye to the ghosts another time
to let the watchful moon see me where i crossed before,
sending thoughts to friends who have moved on.

How'm I doin'?? A Goals Update

I say it's high time for a check in on the goals. Especially since I have been starting new goals, like read this book, and go to an amusement park for my 30th birthday (What? I can plan it this far in advance!?). And since my next birthday (i.e. my original goal deadline) is tra la la about 4 months away. God, I just LOVE birthdays!!! (Can you tell?)

So the list. Let's take a look, shall we?

• Attend retreat. - Well, I've thought about doing this a lot. And really what I need to do is pick one at the local retreat center I like, mail in my deposit, and go. But, haven't done that quite yet.
• Climb a 5.9 - Ok, this is hard because I'm not near being able to do this yet. But, I expect to squeeze in some more climbing in the next few months, and perhaps I can get up to that if I'm consistent. So, doable, if I focus.
• Contribute regularly to 401k. - Rocking out. The amount of money going to my 401k was super painful to watch disappear from the paycheck, but now it's out of sight, out of mind (except for feeling great that it's already doubled what I had when I started contributing this year).
• Do the limbo. - Hilarious. Left over from my wedding. No idea how this will get accomplished (since it's not really a one-person activity). So I need help on this...
• Get better physically. - Slow but sure, working on it every day, with the help of some kickass doctors.
• Go backpacking. - This weekend, baby!!!!! We have no idea if our car (since we no longer have the Subaru) will make it to any decent trails, but we'll be outside, and we'll be together, and that is the only thing I care about. Besides, I love an adventure!
• Kayak to the cedars (near my mom's house). - This is the one most likely not to happen (and incidentally, the one that my mom suggested). I'm just not planning a trip up there right now, so I'm not sure how to make it happen. I'm still up for it, in theory.
• Keep a plant alive for a season. - So, this is always a hard one to define. I mean, I have several philodendrons that are rocking out, but those things don't die. My mom gave us a plant at Christmas that is still alive, although I fear for its long-term sustainability. So, yes, accomplished, sort of.
• Knit hat. - I've knitted two rows since writing this. Unless I break a leg, I can't imagine putting serious time into it. The goal was really to get it done before the winter months, and give it to the homeless, but um, it's March.
• Learn a piano song. - My hubs has. Does that count? Maybe that's what I'll do as a present for when he gets home.
• Print a photo I've taken. - Definitely haven't done, but not for a good reason. Let's say this will be my birthday present to myself.
• Run a 5k. - Crap. I'm further behind on this than I am on the climbing. I could try to run again, but probably not for another week.
• Share poetry. - I've done it, but I could do more.
• Stay on 6 month dentist plan. - Whoops. I'll call before the weekend and make the appointment.
• Volunteer. - Major failure, but I also reevaluated this multiple times and decided our lives were too full. I think I will try to do it once my Friday morning class ends, since I have managed to squeeze something into that time slot, so... why not just switch it over?

Oh man, that felt so good! Looking at my goals is a great way to add some direction and structure to my life, as well as get me excited about following through on the in the next few months. And luckily, I don't feel married to any of them, but they all still seem worth pursuing.

I am also going to add a goal - I read this note, and felt somewhat, um, convicted? I think I scored a 5.5, although NOT entirely because of wedding blog reading. So, in order to move on from the wedding, it's time to get the wedding dress cleaned. HIGH time, in fact. It is still on the back of my closet, just as she says. She's so smart!

Ok, here goes the next four months... I'll keep you posted on my progress!