Creation - Addition

I can't share the book, but I can share the poem!

What Makes a Man

What makes a man?

Is it the glint in his eye-

The dreams he has when he is young

That turn to memories he does cherish

When he is older?

Perhaps the lives he touches

The teachers that mold him

And light his path,

The love he offers,

Friendship of wit and wisdom.

What makes a man?

The strength he carries

Through any storm,

The shelter of his care

He offers to his family

And all in need?

Is it the depth of his mind,

How he opens himself to the world

To take God’s splendors in

And learn from every day

A new revelation?

Is it his willingness

to board the boat of life,

charting waters new to all,

and ride its many waves

in order to see the enduring sunrises?

Lo, a man must be all of these things,

For my father is this man

Who dreams,

Who loves,

Who gives,

Who thinks,

Who journeys on.

Creation

My cat and I both have very large pupils. That's not relevant to the rest of the post. Just something I thought you should know. :)

Tomorrow is my dad's 80th birthday. I'm not sure I know anyone else my age who has a dad whose quite as old as mine. My dad had me when he was 51. That means that I have three half-siblings who are in their late 40s, early 50s. That blows my mind more than Dad being old. Dad's always been old.

So I knew I was going to write him a poem. At first, I thought I'd write a poem titled "What Makes a Life," but given that he's a tiny bit (and only a tiny bit) sensitive about this whole aging process... I decided that sounded too "looking back because there's nothing to look forward to" about it. Then I got the brilliant idea (thanks to mandie!) to make him a book using the poem as the text, and pictures of him throughout his life as the imagery. After 6 or 7 hours of labor, it is finished, ordered, and printing somewhere (thanks to the powers of Blurb). And, I am SO PROUD OF IT! I have had a love for putting images with art ever since working on a film in high school. I am actually surprised I didn't think of combining my poems with pictures until now. Lucky for Dad, he gets the first book. Clearly, future versions will make me famous!

Oh, and I wrote the poem around a slightly less morbid title: "What Makes a Man." Fingers crossed he forgives me for getting it together late (it will arrive about 2 weeks after the official birthday). We did technically celebrate the birthday in August with all the family. Which he reminded me of a week ago when I asked what the plans were. I'm hoping that the finished product is worth the wait. :)

I have had a great weekend! C and I had a great date night on Friday night. Saturday we had a lazy, romantic morning, and then went off to workout/work/be social. I was invited to see Paul Taylor Dance Company perform. Ohh, MAN, were they good! Three pieces, all totally different. All very beautiful and interesting and hard.

To continue my cultural enrichment, today C and I had comped tickets to the Symphony. We were both prepared for a struggle with falling asleep, since we usually tend to lose steam about halfway in to symphony concerts (if not earlier...). And, we have enough on our plates that we were kind of grumbling about having to go. We were SO wrong! The theme was technically Tchaikovsky, but really it was fantasy stories. Romeo and Juliet, a moving tribute to a composer's late younger brother, and a ridiculous violin-solo led piece from Bruchs. Engaging, compelling, and all of the pieces told a very easily visualized story. It was magnificent. I felt as though each of the composers was speaking a very personal truth through the hands and mouths of the symphony musicians, intended just for us. To to it all off, a very kind symphony patron took pity on us and bought us a coffee when she heard us talking about how we didn't have any cash, but really wanted caffeine.

So, the end result is that I am super happy, but I have not worked the number of hours I was supposed to, so I'm going to go eat dinner and then see what I have left in me before I keel over and need sleep. Good thing I am taking Thu and Fri off for the holiday (and since my mom will be in town!). Happy Turkey Day if I don't see you before then!

the words get harder to match
to the situation
the pulsing in my chest
that comes from the meanders of my mind
harder to understand
harder to explain myself
the further in i get
the more memories pile on top of each other
the more slights i receive and perceive
the sorting gets more difficult
and the neutral audience becomes the holy grail
even when i think i've found it
i'm surprised to find
that i'm really always going to be by myself
in some things
i'm going to be the only one putting me first.
not that there aren't friends out there
it's just that sometimes expectations are all wrong
communication breaks down
your heart gets left behind
"maybe in the future you're gonna come back"
is an empty promise
the you in the future is a new person
and the place you need to come to has moved
you are older, less familiar with the nuances
and i am slightly defeated, weighed down by the waiting
i find this life intoxicating
and i find myself hungover from the insistent push pull let go give in make up
of it all.

Hard Day

Well. It is turning out to be a somewhat hard day. Without going into detail, I have a health problem that is really making my life difficult today. And while I so much just want to jump up, dust myself off, and rock on with life, my body/mind/heart isn't quite there.

What is there is the many many blessings I have in my life, and my sweet sweet husband. And this great poem I just rediscovered:

What greater thing is there
for two human souls
than to feel that they are
joined for life.
To strengthen each other in all labor,
to rest on each other in all sorrow,
to minister to each other in all pain,
and to be with each other in
silent unspeakable memories.

Mesilla Moon

ghosts move under a full moon in mesilla
almost shouting their warnings to a stranger as she enters.
five years passed with fanfare and tribulations
i grew wiser perhaps, more distant from the past for certain;
these streets are so familiar and with predictable changes
chain stores on the corners, the good haunts remain
i am also familiar to myself and with predictable changes
i wear your ring now on my finger
it greets me throughout my day with its specialness
as do you, my frenzied fabler.

i remember four girls linking arms here, linking lives fully, thoughtlessly.
i was naive to think that all deep friendship
would stand the test of time and miles
i feel wiser perhaps, sad to have lost you for certain;

those young girls outlived themselves
into more adult lives of busyness and toil
into more adult separations by difference and wounds
outlived the beauties of perfect conversation and commitment
when the world called out to us, glowing and free.

but also 
i was naive to think that the struggles of embarking on a life
would last for long
the alley wanderings, the languid phone calls
i am wiser perhaps, more present to myself for certain;
i am a stranger here and yet not totally gone
i know these streets and these faces
i held this moon before in all of these places
today i walked through time
to find out how five years can pass so swiftly in the night,
leaving you with yourself and the shadowy moon.

i hope that the flimsiness of 23 wears off,
that the things i carry now are with me five years hence
i wish for my life to remain so blessed through circumstance
and while i wish for some of those memories
to return to life
i hope to be wiser still, and willing to return to say hello for certain
to the person i was and have become
to say goodbye to the ghosts another time
to let the watchful moon see me where i crossed before,
sending thoughts to friends who have moved on.

How'm I doin'?? A Goals Update

I say it's high time for a check in on the goals. Especially since I have been starting new goals, like read this book, and go to an amusement park for my 30th birthday (What? I can plan it this far in advance!?). And since my next birthday (i.e. my original goal deadline) is tra la la about 4 months away. God, I just LOVE birthdays!!! (Can you tell?)

So the list. Let's take a look, shall we?

• Attend retreat. - Well, I've thought about doing this a lot. And really what I need to do is pick one at the local retreat center I like, mail in my deposit, and go. But, haven't done that quite yet.
• Climb a 5.9 - Ok, this is hard because I'm not near being able to do this yet. But, I expect to squeeze in some more climbing in the next few months, and perhaps I can get up to that if I'm consistent. So, doable, if I focus.
• Contribute regularly to 401k. - Rocking out. The amount of money going to my 401k was super painful to watch disappear from the paycheck, but now it's out of sight, out of mind (except for feeling great that it's already doubled what I had when I started contributing this year).
• Do the limbo. - Hilarious. Left over from my wedding. No idea how this will get accomplished (since it's not really a one-person activity). So I need help on this...
• Get better physically. - Slow but sure, working on it every day, with the help of some kickass doctors.
• Go backpacking. - This weekend, baby!!!!! We have no idea if our car (since we no longer have the Subaru) will make it to any decent trails, but we'll be outside, and we'll be together, and that is the only thing I care about. Besides, I love an adventure!
• Kayak to the cedars (near my mom's house). - This is the one most likely not to happen (and incidentally, the one that my mom suggested). I'm just not planning a trip up there right now, so I'm not sure how to make it happen. I'm still up for it, in theory.
• Keep a plant alive for a season. - So, this is always a hard one to define. I mean, I have several philodendrons that are rocking out, but those things don't die. My mom gave us a plant at Christmas that is still alive, although I fear for its long-term sustainability. So, yes, accomplished, sort of.
• Knit hat. - I've knitted two rows since writing this. Unless I break a leg, I can't imagine putting serious time into it. The goal was really to get it done before the winter months, and give it to the homeless, but um, it's March.
• Learn a piano song. - My hubs has. Does that count? Maybe that's what I'll do as a present for when he gets home.
• Print a photo I've taken. - Definitely haven't done, but not for a good reason. Let's say this will be my birthday present to myself.
• Run a 5k. - Crap. I'm further behind on this than I am on the climbing. I could try to run again, but probably not for another week.
• Share poetry. - I've done it, but I could do more.
• Stay on 6 month dentist plan. - Whoops. I'll call before the weekend and make the appointment.
• Volunteer. - Major failure, but I also reevaluated this multiple times and decided our lives were too full. I think I will try to do it once my Friday morning class ends, since I have managed to squeeze something into that time slot, so... why not just switch it over?

Oh man, that felt so good! Looking at my goals is a great way to add some direction and structure to my life, as well as get me excited about following through on the in the next few months. And luckily, I don't feel married to any of them, but they all still seem worth pursuing.

I am also going to add a goal - I read this note, and felt somewhat, um, convicted? I think I scored a 5.5, although NOT entirely because of wedding blog reading. So, in order to move on from the wedding, it's time to get the wedding dress cleaned. HIGH time, in fact. It is still on the back of my closet, just as she says. She's so smart!

Ok, here goes the next four months... I'll keep you posted on my progress!

25 Things About Me

1. I speak enough French and Spanish to get by in countries that speak either of those for about 3 hours.

2. I have two different colored eyes. The medical term for this is "heterochromia iridium".

3. I did gymnastics from the age of 4 until I was 12. I loved the parallel bars and the floor routine, which I continued doing in the form of modern dance when I got scared of hurting myself (ie. after I hurt myself enough times).

4. Sometimes, all I want is silence.

5. I have published poems, essays, and scientific papers. And I'm proud of that fact.

6. I loved being an only child. And I loved having older half-siblings.

7. I have always wanted to be a US Supreme Court justice.

8. I think I could eat sushi, pasta, bread and cheese, and salad exclusively forever and never be unhappy.

9. I am one of the least girly girls I know. Makeup, hairstyles, and fashion are mostly lost on me.

10. I love having a beer or a glass of wine at the end of the day.

11. I'm a little bit afraid of dogs.

12. I love going out for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And coffee. And drinks.

13. I am learning to trust myself. It took me six months to decide to go back to school for my masters. It took me two years to decide I wanted to get married.

14. I love every place I have lived, and I'm glad I moved so much as a kid, even though it made it hard to feel settled.

15. I played fullback on my high school soccer team, which went from having a losing season my freshman year to being second in the state my senior year. We had a different coach every year, and the team captain was killed in a car crash by a drunk driver my sophomore year. Those girls were my family.

16. I love camping and hiking. Unless it's really cold.

17. I would prefer to live with less possessions than I currently have. I think most people have way more than they need.

18. I skipped kindergarten.

19. I am never ashamed to dance.

20. I am afraid my parents are going to die too soon. I think about this weekly.

21. It takes a lot of effort for me not to be a slob around the house.

22. Someday, I'd like to have a place I could go to get away from it all. In the mountains, by the ocean, I don't care.

23. I have chronic arm pain that can make typing a daily issue. I am sporadically good about doing exercises and icing it.

24. I am afraid that when we move to the northeast, I'm going to get depressed from lack of sunshine.

25. I have vivid, crazy dreams every night.